Thursday, January 9, 2014

It Comes and Goes...

I've been having waves of baby fever this past month.  Some days I sit and actually allow myself to envision life with two, and other days I kick the idea like a bad habit.  Kollyns will be 3 within a matter of weeks.  I feel like once my kid hits 3 everyone suddenly thinks I'm due to get pregnant anytime now.  I get asked way too frequently if we are trying, to which I snap out a too quick NO.  And Kollyns points to my belly on a daily basis and asks when she's going to have a sister in there.  Say what?  Last night the conversation went something like this...  "Not yet sweet girl, I'm not ready to share the time I have with you."  To which she responds "Well then can we put one in my belly?" and I spew a mouth full of water into her face.  "Geez mommy, are you okay? I'm just kidding. (With a mischievous smirk) " The kid has jokes.  I guess I can blame the 25 pregnant people I know for that, because Kollyns is enthralled with the idea of someone having a baby inside of their belly.  She has even named her baby sister and talks as though she already plays with her.  Deep down I long to give her what she wants.  I want her to have a best friend to grow up with and play with.  I kind of think I might want 2 kids eventually.  Devin and I have talked about it, and then we decide to re-visit the idea after we are settled in our new house.  Although I know another kid would bring so much joy to our lives, this is my actual thought process when baby fever arises...

Oh look, a sweet little beautiful baby.  I want one.

But I just got my boobs back.  I'd like to keep them for a while. 

Do I really want to start over with a newborn?  Kollyns just started sleeping really well since she quit breastfeeding, and I've been sleeping really well.

Aww but Kollyns would be so cute playing with her little brother or sister.

Oh no, she wants a sister.  What if she gets a brother?  What if we start trying and we can't get pregnant at all?  What will that do to me emotionally?  Never mind, I'll leave that in God's hands...after all His will is always what is right.  Why am I even thinking about this?

But what if I get pregnant immediately.  That would put me smack dab in the middle of trying to move into our new house.  I would really love to be settled in our new place before we even try to get pregnant.  If we try.

Well, Kollyns will be in preschool starting in the fall.  So that might not be a bad time to have another kid.  But preschool is only 2 days a week.  So three days a week I will have 2 kids at work with me.  Then it would be more like daycare, not work.  Then my dad might decide I shouldn't bring kids at all.  Then I'd have to quit and be a stay at home mom because I refuse to miss any moments in their early years.  But no, can't do that either...We're building a house.  Okay, I'll wait until she is five and in regular school.

Oh my gosh, 5 years apart.  That's a long time.  They won't have anything in common and they probably won't even get along.  So instead of a little brother, she will feel like she has a little bother.  I really need to stop watching the cartoon Olivia with Kollyns, I'm picking up on the lingo.  But 5 years is good too, Kollyns can be my helper.

Wait, that's not fair.  She supposed to be a kid, not a helper.  I am SO overthinking this.

I was fine with being an only child until I was 10.  No, I don't want my kids 10 years apart, but I don't feel like I missed out on anything by not having a sibling close to my age.  I kind of loved my life and the way everything turned out.  The idea of having only one child doesn't bother me one bit.

On top of that, Devin's schedule is so crazy at work and I wouldn't have ANY help.

Devin, oh my gosh.  When would we ever have any time alone?  It's already pretty tricky squeezing in "us time" now, but we finally have it perfected.  What will happen to our alone time?  A strong marriage is the best thing for our kids.  How will it affect my marriage?

Okay, I'm done going over this in my head and clearly if I'm having to think about it this much...I'm not ready. 

::Brain is switched off from baby fever mode::

Oh my goodness just LOOK at that sweet little beautiful baby.  I want one.

So how many of you just read that and now think that I'm certifiably insane? 

Am I being selfish?

Why am I making such a big deal out of this?  I know moms of two that rock that role and make it look like a breeze. 

Baby fever has gone away for now.

And I hope it stays away until we are really ready for another little one.  In the meantime...cute pregnant girls and beautiful little babies need to stay far, far away from me. :)

And since it's #throwbackthursday in InstaWorld.  Here's the first picture of me and Kollyns at home, one week after she was born.  My little angel.  Life has been so sweet since she came into our lives. Crap, I'm catching it again.  Why do I keep doing this to myself?
baby fever, throwback thursday



Eva Marie Taylor said...

No, I did not read this whole entire post and think you're crazy! I actually was thinking, "Oh wow, this girl must've telepathically read MY mind to write this post!" Our daughter is almost 3.5. I go through these thoughts daily. I so badly want her to have a sibling because she doesn't have any cousins other than the cousins that aren't really cousins (our friends' kids). We actually aren't preventing having another one, but some days for the reasons you've mentioned in this post I wonder if we should just adopt. And it took so long too get pregnant the first time and I ended up on bedrest in the hospital for 3 months, that I am sometimes fearful it will be a struggle again. But like you said, what God wills is what's best for we shall see!!

Kelsey Almond said...

Wow, glad to know I'm not alone in this! Yes, He knows exactly what we can handle...and His timing is always impeccable... so I guess we just have to trust that! :)